Divorce and Preferential Treatment

Okay, let’s get two facts straight:

  1. Moms are given preferential treatment by courts and society.
  2. Moms don’t always deserve that special treatment, and often abuse it.

That’s it, folks.

Not every dad is abusive. Not every mom is a great mom.

Many moms misuse their privileges in order to hurt the dad, control the children, or vindicate themselves.

It’s much more common to see single moms with kids than single dads with kids. And not because the dads aren’t good enough. But because the moms didn’t play fair.

Let’s give dads a fair chance, and not give moms preferential treatment just because they happen to have two X chromosomes.

Sometimes the kids really are better off with Dad than with Mom. Like, in at least 50% of the cases.

And sometimes both parents are equally abusive . . . so why give Mom preferential treatment?

Have you ever heard of Mom paying child support, or do only dads have to pay child support?

It’s time to stop being feminist and start being fair.

And asking a divorcing mom who wants to take her kids to a different country if she is *allowed* to do so is a very, very, legit question.

Parents can and do kidnap their own children.

That’s why, in order to get U.S. passports for our kids, Yitzchak and I either have to BOTH be at the consulate, or one of us has to sign in front of a notary. Heck, we’d have to do it here, too, except that in our little hole, everyone is family and rules often slide.

Yes, *even though* we are married. Because, well, who knows? Maybe we separated and didn’t inform the government, and one of us is trying to take the kids from the other. Like we would . . . but the government can’t know that if we ever *did* decide to divorce, we’d figure it out between ourselves and do what’s best for the kids, no ego-boosting ugly court scenes necessary. (Perhaps that’s why we’re not planning to divorce anytime soon – because we have the maturity to work things out? Gee, what’s maturity, anyways?)

Don’t ask for help getting a single mom settled in a new country, if you can’t stomach people asking if she is allowed to take her kids out of her home country.

It’s a legit question.

Because no one wants to aid a kidnapping.

Because we all know that single parents equate custody with not being the guilty party in the divorce. Because kids are a prize, right?

Stupid idiots.

Can we PLEASE stop giving moms preferential treatment? Please??

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5 thoughts on “Divorce and Preferential Treatment

  1. You’re right many dads are great and there are moms out there who are abusive. As a whole more dads are abusive, dysfunctional or not child oriented than moms which is why as you said the courts are more mommy friendly than daddy friendly.

    That being said you can never know if the mom is lying (I’m taking moms side for a sec) or if she is really abusive. I actually escaped a similar abusive situation, where some family members didn’t believe me that I was being abused and took the stand you are taking, because they claimed to know I was verbally abusive. My husband refused me a gett and they still think I am the abusive one, one of the things I learned is that when you are in a abusive situation you loose it and often respond in ways that would seem to be abusive as well but aren’t because they are either
    a) the only way you think the person will listen to you (happened to me)
    b) you took so much abuse you lost your basis on how to handle things (happened to me)
    c) self defense (physical)

    (I did this research and took abuse courses because I wanted to know if I was really the abusive one as they claimed)

    On the other side I know a friend who lost custody due to being a drug abuser (this was reason for divorce) and kidnapped her kids!!!! Her husband was amazing and managed to run the house, take care of kids (infant included) and work. She actually did get ordered to pay child support (not sure if she did I stopped talking to her after she kidnapped her kids).

    Sometimes the most mature logical thing to do is escape

    So to put it out there!!

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  2. Hi, women carry babies, men do not. Women nurse too. They develop a different connection with the child then the father. And while this is perfectly normal the warmth of a mother is not replaceable. Only a mom can be mom. Dad can stay home and mom can work, but your mommy is still your mommy. This is why the family court is in favour of mom. Women are the foundation of the home. You seem to be anti women and while I understand that fathers deserve representation. “Sometimes the kids really are better off with Dad than with Mom. Like, in at least 50% of the cases.”
    At least means in more than 50% families of divorce. I question your numbers and bias. Truly I pity your resentment towards moms everywhere and your low expectations of men. I think perhaps you expect too much on moms and too little of dads.

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    • Only mom can be mom, and only dad can be dad.

      If you want to go back to the warm and nurturing moms who stay at home and play with their kids all day – go ahead.

      But the fact of the matter is that women are no longer warmer or more nurturing than men, on the whole. And there’s no reason to prefer Mom just because she’s got two x chromosomes – when half the time, Mom is the problem.
      Each case needs to be judged separately.

      There is a poignant verse in the Bible that says, “The wisdom of a woman builds her home, and with wickedness in her hands she destroys it.” A woman can be a solid foundation of stone, or a foundation of quicksand threatening to suck everyone under. It’s her choice.

      Okay, maybe I should delete the words “at least”. But the 50% still stands.

      I think perhaps I expect both moms and dads to be mature adults. I think that Yitzchak (my husband) can testify that I DON’T expect too little of dads.

      The thing is, moms everywhere have representation. Dads don’t. Moms are always seen as the injured party and dads as the abusers. And that’s just not the case.

      Recently, a statistic came out that out of all family violence cases, in 50% both parents are abusive; in 26% the woman is abusive, and in 24% the man is the abusive one.

      Why, in the 50% of cases in which both parents are abusive, should we give preference to Mom? Why is her abuse better than Dad’s?

      And more than that – why are we ignoring the fact that 26% of dads are abused, and only 24% of moms are?

      I understand that you see me as pro-dads, but really, I’m just pro-kids. Kids need to live with whichever parent is healthier – and the court needs to judge that based on the individual parents, without being biased by the chromosomes.

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      • Mom and dad are not mere chromosomes. all parents deserve representation in court.
        In reguard to you writing about your family, do u have their permission? And where is the source for this study? And please, explain what u mean by abuse?

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      • Mom and dad both deserve equal support and representation. Neither should be discriminated against simply because of their gender. Neither should be given preferential treatment simply because of their gender.

        And the sad fact is, moms get preferential treatment in every aspect of the divorce process – and the dads are ignored.

        Conversation I had 6 weeks ago:
        Me: He has a lawyer.
        She: You know the only reason he’s got a lawyer and is even bothering to defend himself is because his father is footing the bill?
        Me: So?
        She: Your father didn’t fight it out in court because he didn’t have the money.
        Me: I don’t care. This guy is fighting and good for him.
        Me (thinking): How come no one is questioning where you, or she, got the money from? YOU didn’t have tons of money for a lawyer, who paid for YOUR lawyer? And why is it so awful that someone is paying for HIS lawyer? SHE doesn’t have any money whatsoever, but SHE gets a free lawyer. Why doesn’t HE get a free lawyer, and why do you think it’s okay for HER to get a free lawyer, but not for HIM to manage to find someone to pay for his lawyer?
        Something is very sick here. And if you don’t see it – I’m sorry for you.

        I do not need my family’s permission. They made it very clear that I was no longer welcome, because I no longer wished to live at home. They made it very clear that if I did not bow to my mother’s wishes, I would no longer be accepted as part of the family. I did not bow to her wishes; I chose to live my life in a different place, and choose a spouse based on my own criteria. Therefore, I am no longer important, and I am no longer an accepted part of the family. Since childhood, I have been the one responsible for my mother’s problems: if I was nicer to her, if I helped her financially, if I was more understanding with her, if I broke my engagement, if I pushed my wedding off a year, if I told her more about my thoughts and feelings – then she would be a more stable, relaxed, nice, loving, person and less “abusive”. If my mother is abusive to me or my siblings – it is because I am not good enough to her. Yep yep yep. If I had a shekel for every time I was told this, I’d be a millionaire.

        The story I tell is of the home I grew up in, and the people and repercussions I still have to deal with today. I need no one’s permission to write it.

        The study is not the only one of its kind – look it up. It’s not PC, so it will take you a while to find them via Google. But if you seek, you shall find.

        Abuse – using another person to forward your own personal goals, even at that other person’s expense. Mistreating another person (physically, emotionally, verbally) on a regular basis. The person who was the power can be an abuser but not the abused. (Power – not necessarily physical strength.)

        At any rate, this discussion is drawing me back into a very sick place, and very sick thoughts. I do not want to be “with” my family in my head, heart, mind. They do not deserve it. And I do not wish to let them continue hurting me.

        So I will say bye to this discussion – I appreciate your comments, but the price I pay in answering is much too high. I need them out of my head and my life – and I cannot keep slipping back into these thoughts if I am want to heal.

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