About Marriage and Ethics

One of my friends, A., recently bought a new bookshelf and did some sorting.  Since she’s a Ukranian immigrant to Israel, A. knows English, but doesn’t know it well.  (But, she already knows two languages well, so she’s quite forgiven.)  At any rate, A. and her husband have been collecting random books for years, and they have a few in English.  As part of her cleaning/sorting project, she decided to add to my already overstuffed bookshelves (we need to buy another one) and give me all her English books.  After all, they’re just taking up space in her house; once upon a time, she had time to sit, read, and translate the books, but right now, they’re just sitting useless.  And it’s pretty obvious that if she ever wants to read on, all she has to do is call up.

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, Esther Jungreis, books, marriage, relationships, commitment, Judaism, the commited life, lifetime commitment, living together, eloping, judaism, marriage, parenting, children, grandparents, jewish life, jewish values, jewish women, women in judaism, hineni, outreachSo, we got a few new books.  And, because I’m a bookworm (so is Yitzchak, by the way) I spend time reading them.  They’re actually good additions to our library, for the simple fact that we don’t have a lot of “easy” reading around here.

Today, I decided not to get on the computer until around Shlomo’s bedtime.  (He is in bed, by the way.)  The book that I have been perusing for the past few days is “The Committed Life“, by Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis.  It’s a book I’ve skimmed before, but she’s an excellent storyteller and someone that I really admire.  So, without being paid for this, I am quoting two paragraphs that I think are right on target for today’s society:

. . . Pearl’s husband was a good man, devoted to his wife and children.  Because he couldn’t earn a living, he was held in contempt.  Were he a ruthless, nasty, but successful businessman, no one in the family would have suggested to Pearl that she seek a divorce.  There is something profoundly wrong with a value system that measures a man not by what he is, but by what he has. (pg. 65)

And then she says, later:

 . . . “Rebbetzin, I agree with everything you say, but if I don’t live with the person I’m seeing, I’m afraid he’ll walk out on me.”

” . . . You’re so afraid, so you give the guy everything he wants without any commitment on his part.  You move in with him, so now he has a girlfriend, a cook, a housekeeper, a companion – all free of charge with no responsibilities.  You convince yourself that you can trust him when he says, ‘Eventually we’ll get married, honey, I’m just not ready yet.’  A year goes by, then two, and then, as in your case, three years.  Meanwhile, your biological clock is ticking away, and with every year that passes, the prospect of having a family becomes more and more remote.  Should you bring up the subject of marriage, he puts you off with, ‘Not yet!’  Finally, if you really press, he may break up or agree, but even if he agrees, it doesn’t mean a thing, as you so well know.  At the last minute, after living together for three years, he suddenly discovers that he loves you, but there are some issues that separate you.  . . . countless couples who live together only to divorce after they were married.  . . . ” (pp. 262-263)

So, what do you think?

(This one is from December 30, 2012, but I think its message is timeless.)

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6 thoughts on “About Marriage and Ethics

    • Because that’s what people want to read about: Shidduchim! Even when I flip through a newspaper that’s all I seem to be drawn to.

      As for the first quote, I don’t think that is necessarily so. I have known of a number of divorces because the husband was successful and cruel (seemingly warranted), and in the case of a man who is not successful but kind? No one was giving the wife any slack.

      As for the second: Of course, if he can get the milk for free . . .

      In terms of the divorce rate being higher amongst those who live together first, I found an article that had an interesting theory on the matter:

      http://frumanista.blogspot.com/2012/05/no-boyfriend-as-roomie.html

      When a couple moves in together, it’s more for reasons of convenience than feeling, but since they have moved in together, both think it is something “more.” But it isn’t. They get married (eventually) because “Hey, we’re living together,” but they were never meant for each other.

      Whenever I read articles like that I feel all validated about how “we” date for matrimonial purposes only. Less time wasted on the wrong person.

      Like

      • Agree.
        I don’t know if they always get married. But couples who lived together before the wedding have a 50% higher chance of divorce than couples who didn’t. Not sure if it has to do with compatibility or not – would they have divorced if they hadn’t lived together? Why did they divorce? We’ll never know.

        I definitely agree that our way is much better and healthier, though.

        Like

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