This is a draft that was written back in July – I’m going through my drafts and publishing long-forgotten posts.
Two weeks ago, I went through my Hotmail inbox, deleted a lot of emails, and sorted a lot of others. Yesterday I decided to tackle the “Drafts” folder. I pushed it off, and looked at it again today. There are only 22 drafts in there, after all.
Then I took a deep breath and opened the first email. Something about my sister and pictures on Facebook. Which part is a draft? Why did I save it as a draft, instead of sending it? It’s only a one-line email. Okay, we’ll leave it till the end.
Next one is to my brother, apologizing for the fact that I missed the calls that he’d made around 1am, because we had been sleeping. Okay, I guess that one can be trashed . . . right? No, not yet.
It’s at the third draft that the problem starts. Now I know why I don’t read my drafts. It’s a draft of an email that I sent my mother on Dec. 6, 2010, starting with the words, “I was searching my emails for an address and I found this.” The subject line is, “For Chana,” i.e., NOT for Yitzchak. And it’s about our wedding. About how I shouldn’t let the wedding end up on any news sites, and I shouldn’t tell my siblings, and she won’t tell my great-grandmother. That she will cry her eyes out thinking about how much I suffer. (With a husband who does everything for me? Who I stopped telling my friends about, for fear of ruining their marriages because of jealousy? Give me a break.) I start thinking about finishing and resending the email. No, it’ll just do more harm than good. Maybe I should forward the email, or at least the section stating, “Don’t tell your siblings about the wedding,” to my siblings and cousins, so that they will FINALLY believe me?
Okay, I have to stop. This will just have to sit in my drafts folder for another three years.
The next email is no better. It’s a draft of a letter that Yitzchak wanted me to send, or I wanted me to send (I don’t remember already) to my extended family, explaining the circumstances surrounding our wedding. It explains why we did what we did, that we know we hurt people, and that we really did not feel that we were left any choice: It’s simply unreasonable, and unfair, to expect someone (me) to choose between their parents and their fiance/spouse. And that I hope that the recipients of this email will take that into consideration, and realize that we are just as hurt as they are, and never intended to hurt anyone. All we wanted, after all, was to get married.
I think I should stop reading my drafts. It just opens a Pandora’s box.
I skim through the rest. Some are better, some are worse, but most of the topics are pretty benign. Maybe I should go through my drafts, after all?